Guild of Bean Counters

Department of Bean Counting

School of Abstract Economics, Tidemarsh University

The Department of Bean Counting proudly upholds Tidemarsh University’s long-standing tradition of assigning arbitrary value to arbitrary things. Offering rigorous coursework in Advanced Spreadsheet Sorcery, Passive-Aggressive Budgeting, and The Philosophy of Rounding Errors, the department prepares students for careers in audit-resistant accounting, fortune-cookie financial forecasting, and pretending to understand Excel macros.

Our faculty includes two former tax shelter designers, one whistleblower in hiding, and a guy named Dennis who just really loves beans. Students are required to complete at least one internship with a multinational conglomerate, a failing startup, or their uncle’s vaguely legal side hustle.

Applicants must demonstrate proficiency in basic math, passive eye-rolling, and emotional detachment from numerical outcomes.