Environmental Studies

Department of Environmental Studies

Tidemarsh University – School of Ironic Stewardship and Grant Optimization

The Department of Environmental Studies at Tidemarsh University is deeply committed to the principle that we should probably do something about the environment—if only to secure continued funding. While some might argue that the planet is in peril, we believe the true crisis is a lack of well-compensated academic exploration of that peril.

Our department offers cutting-edge research on carbon offsets, climate guilt monetization, and the ecological impact of other people's behavior. Courses include Intro to Virtue Signaling, Sustainable Hand-Waving, and Advanced Graph Creation for Grant Applications.

Faculty include published environmentalists, unpublished environmentalists, and one adjunct who still insists it’s all the sun’s fault. Lab facilities feature state-of-the-art composters, guilt-neutral printing stations, and a nature trail that is technically just a gravel path behind the parking lot.

Students are encouraged to explore complex ethical questions like “Do turtles really need straws?” and “How many bamboo tote bags is too many?”

Graduates go on to careers in nonprofit consulting, eco-brand marketing, and delivering PowerPoint presentations titled “The Time to Act Was Yesterday—Please See Slide 47.”

We’re not saying the environment doesn’t matter. We’re just saying it matters a lot more when someone’s paying us to say it.