Tidemarsh University Is First in U.S. to Sign Compact for Academic Excellence — Even Though No One Asked

YORKTOWN, VA — In a perfectly on-brand display of audacious improvisation, Tidemarsh University has become the first institution in the nation to sign the White House’s new Compact for Academic Excellence — despite not being among the ten universities originally invited to join.

According to a leaked internal memorandum from School Chancellor Murdstone to skeptical senior staff, Murdstone wrote, “We may not have been invited to the ball, but we showed up anyway, and we’ll jam our fat foot into that damn slipper. Do you guys have any idea how much money we can get in lethal weapons research if we get on this list?”

The move comes just weeks after a federal judge — 103-year-old Horace Clevenger, appointed by President Johnson and the oldest members of the federal judiciary — struck down Tidemarsh’s much-hyped anti-DEI policy as unconstitutional. Judge Clevenger found the university’s policy to be a “clear violation of the Magna Carta.”

Unfazed, Tidemarsh’s administration seems to be treating the defeat as little more than a speed bump under its steamroller approach to securing more federal money. Central to the now “temporarily suspended” anti-DEI policy was the creation of a new ideological clearinghouse: the High Office. At the time, Chancellor Murdstone confirmed in writing:

“As of today’s date, all faculty and students will be required to sign a pledge stating that they will steadfastly advance the philosophies of Homogeneity, Inequality, and Exclusion. This new high-level office will advance our beliefs in HIE.”

Murdstone further explained that the “E” is silent and that the office would “colloquially be referred to as the Hi Office, or The High Office.”

Whether the federal government will acknowledge Tidemarsh’s self-appointment to the Compact for Academic Excellence remains uncertain. But the university has once again shown its mastery of seagull management — swooping in, shitting all over everything, and flying off before anyone else knows what’s happened.

Recently Constructed Homogeneity, Inequality, and Exclusion Building at Tidemarsh University (The E is silent)