Tidemarsh University’s Department of Ecology obtains $5 Million Dollar grant to further study the American Goose

Tidemarsh University’s Department of Ecology recently received a joint $5 Million Dollar grant from the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Department of Homeland Security to further advance the school’s migratory ecology program. The grant is conditioned on further studies by the university of the behaviors of the American Goose.

Historically referred to as the “Canadian Goose” (Branta canadensis), this large waterfowl follows a typical north-south migratory pattern. Although the birds generally breed in Canada, they migrate south across the US through four major North American Flyways—the Atlantic Flyway, the Mississippi Flyway, the Central Flyway, and the Pacific Flyway.

“These here bird are spending more time in America than up in that 51st state,” Tidemash lead researcher Anacletus Bankton explained. “They migrate all the way down to the Gulf of America, so we figured we may as well give these birds a proper name.”

Bankton’s initial findings that led to the grant confirmed that there are, in fact, more American Geese now residing full time in the United States than in Canada. “It’s actually become a bit of problem,” he explained.

These bastards shit a couple of pounds a day and it’s making my golf game damn tricky. They think they can just waltz on across the border without any permits or nothin’ and stay as long as they want. They’re pretty good eating, mind you, and I don’t mind them crossing the border if it’s just for being shot at, but after that, they need to go back to where they came from.

The research grant is multifaceted and includes money to research the means of rebranding the animals as American in addition to studying possible deportation techniques and ways to issue temporary visas that are conditioned upon flying lower and slower over licensed American waterfowl hunters.

Bankton is already working on another grant proposal that suggests changing the name of the Snow Goose, recognized for its snowy white plumage, to the “White American Goose.”